Medically Unique Wild Ride

3 Apr

So, my mom just called because she wanted to know how things went at my evaluation with the GI specialist today. I’d already texted a photo to my sisters, showing them the “lovely parting gifts” I received, but apparently this photo did not satisfy mom’s curiosity, so I told her:

Well, his name was Dr. Gross and he stuck his finger up my bunghole and ultimately he said the same thing said by pretty much every doctor who has ever examined me: ‘This is not a common situation.’ 

“Medically unique” should probably be the sub-title on any/all business cards I possess from here on out.

Meeting Dr. Gross was “unique” in and of itself, insofar as (1) we determined that we are sorta-kinda “related” (he’s the 1st cousin of Q’s wife, which we guessed makes us “2nd step-cousins once removed”… or something like that) and (2) I managed to present a rather complicated medical history with an abundance of technical medical terminology in less than 60 seconds only to elicit an “You had brain surgery WHEN?” response…

Yeah, I’m not your Normal Patient, doc. And, yeah, it likely will only get more bizarre the more you get to know me.

We went through the details and timeline that lead me to him and at the end of my appointment he said: “I’ve been practicing medicine longer than you’ve been alive and I’ve got to say, that your physiology is, um …. not common.”

No sh-t, doc. … Pun fully intended.

So I get to embark on Another Medical Adventure, exploring diagnostic techniques both New (MR Enterography) and Old (self-scooped stool samples — see photo, below). These are adventures I’d really prefer to NOT have, but if I have to have them, then I might as well share them. So …


Welcome aboard, keep your hands and arms inside, and hold on tight, we may be in for a wild ride…

I don’t know what we’ll find at the end of this journey, but I feel like I’ve already won because Dr. Gross officially cleared and blessed me for continued consumption of beer and bacon — I was SUPER worried that I might end up with a beer-ban because “Dr. Google” was leading me to think that a diagnosis of Celiac disease might be in the offing.

But behold wonder & merriment — beer remains a fully doctor-approved part of my diet! That’s what “family” is for.

Thanks, Dr. Gross, and I promise to return the Gross Party –er, um, potty– Favors as soon as I can…

Gross Party (potty) Favors

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