Special Guest Post

12 Jun

[EDITOR’S NOTE: When you ask your dog to write your blog post, technical difficulties are inevitable. Hopefully this version will remain “live” and readable for more than an hour. Both Z’s apologize for the earlier glitch.]

Hello. This is Zolie the Dog. My human said: Stop barking like a deranged idiot at trucks and people with hats! Stop destroying your toys! We can only have one deranged idiot in the house and this week that’s me. Why can’t you do something productive? Do something USEFUL for once! Why don’t you go write the blog?

I’m pretty sure that there is nothing useful or productive about writing a blog, but she mistook my quizzical look for insolence and said: GO! Write! Leave me alone. I need to watch FX channel movies, TLC “reality” shows, DVRd stages of the Criterium du Dauphine and other utterly mindless drivel for hours on end in order to reset my brain’s equilibrium.

Or something like that.

I only have an 9-word vocabulary: Walk, Treat, Sit, GO!, OK, Leave it, and Brain equilibrium. So I kinda got the gist of all her blah, blah, blah from the 3 words that I understood.

Here’s what I know:

Walk” and “Treat” mean: Start jumping, leaping, and moving maniacally until I get a leash attached to my collar or a tasty morsel given to me. I like these words!

Sit” means: Stop jumping, leaping, and moving maniacally and just wait until she says one of the other 8 words. “Sit” is kind of like my pause button.

GO!” means: Make like an ostrich and start running in whatever direction her finger points until I find something to arrest my attention or until I encounter a blanket to hide under — whatever comes first.

OK” is my favorite word! It means I get whatever I look at. I look at my leash, she says “OK” and we walk. I look at my food bowl, she fills it with food, says “OK” and then I eat. I stare at her hand while she’s studying/typing, she says “OK” and I get to burrow in her lap and get pets. I stare at the big bed, she says “OK” and I jump up and climb under the covers. I try to make her say OK as much as possible. When she says “OK,” I win!

Leave it” these are my least favorite words. They mean that I don’t get something. When we’re walking and I spy a cat or a squirrel, if she says “Leave it,” then that means I don’t get to chase it. When I snatch something tasty (and, preferably, decomposing) out of someone’s yard, if she says “Leave it,” then that means I don’t get to eat it. If she sees me approaching her laundry hamper, she’ll say “Leave it” and I won’t get to take out any of the dirty socks. “Leave it” means no fun for me. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Brain Equilibrium” means all of the normal rules cease to apply. When she says “brain equilibrium,” I know that she’s not feeling good. Something’s not right. She needs calm and quiet. “Brain equilibrium” is kind of like her pause button. If she says “brain equilibrium,” I know I need to be on my very best behavior until she says “OK” again.

So, when she said: Go! and Brain equilibrium, I just ran until I landed in the big comfy chair that she abandoned in favor of taking over my favorite sunny spot on the couch.

She’s watching Breaking Amish, which means she’ll probably be napping soon. Naps are good for brain equilibrium. She left her laptop open on the ottoman and she didn’t say “Leave it” when I started typing, so I guess I’m doing what she wanted me to do.

If I keep this up long enough, maybe she’ll say “OK” and everything will go back to normal again…

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3 Responses to “Special Guest Post”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. A Little Housekeeping & then vacation! | JustAdventures - June 20, 2013

    […] for allowing Zolie to sub-in for me last week. I was in NO condition to write anything substantive after my poor brain suffered such brutal […]

  2. Nothing to see here | JustAdventures - December 12, 2013

    […] tried to get Zolie to write another Special Guest Post, but she refused to get out of […]

  3. We’re back! | JustAdventures - May 26, 2015

    […] me? I wrote here once before when Ma was recovering from some really hard school work. Well, now I’m back because Ma is currently recovering from a really long drive (like 14,000 […]

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