How to pee like a pro (lady cyclist style)

8 Mar

In honor of International Women’s Day I’m obligated and honored to share some life-transformative news with all female cyclists and those who care about them:

Yesterday, one of my cycling soul sisters posted on FB that she “learned how to pee today without taking off my cycling bibs. Seriously the most amazing thing EVER!!!!!

She achieved this feat courtesy of a week-long Women’s Initiative cycling training camp sponsored by my much beloved Ride2Recovery. Gawd I love me some R2R and I chimed in to suggest that there ought to be a: “Mandatory ‘how to pee’ clinic at every R2R event!” My R2R buddy said: “I can’t wait to teach it to everyone who will listen!! Lol. The biggest complaint of cycling for women, is going to the bathroom. We have to take off a jersey, a base layer and it sucks and takes time. …This way is super easy and you don’t have to drop trouser! Lol

Of course I wanted to learn this trick of the trade, but since we live several hundred miles apart, I doubted that I’d get the opportunity to learn from her anytime soon. I spent a sleepless night trying to conceive of how to make this miracle happen without having to: (a) pee in my pants, (b) use a FemPee, or (c) experience unintended and gross “moistening” of other body parts (i.e., hands, legs, etc).

Thanks to my 2-year stint in Ukraine, I had mastered the art of peeing into a “squatty potty” without having to remove my underpants so I knew that it was possible to pee without having to  dis-robe, but cycling bibs are NOT underwear. Cycling bibs are VERY SECURELY ATTACHED to your body via your shoulders.

IMG_0773

As my R2R FB buddy stated, in order to pee when you’re wearing a cycling git-up, you need to take off your jersey, remove any base layers, and un-hitch your bib’s shoulder harnesses before you can drop trow. The obvious result of this process is full exposure of your nether regions, therefore making it super highly unlikely that you would ever even consider peeing out in the wild. This is a serious problem when you are prone to go out for 75-120mi rides — you’re on remote roads, if you live in California there is a >80% chance that you’re going to be riding in >80° weather (even in early March; i.e., today’s ride offered a high of 84°), which naturally means you will sweat profusely and those fluids must be replenished, and that, in turn, means that sooner or later you are going to need to pee.

If you’re a man, this means fun times swirling your pee stream around, perhaps writing your name in the sand, snow, or mud. If you’re a lady, it means you are totally screwed and likely to become increasingly bitchy and miserable until you re-enter civilization and the wonderful world of indoor plumbing.

Unless…

Unless it’s possible to pee without taking off your cycling jersey/bib.

My brain worked overtime last night and came up with a solution, which I personally tested 3x today (twice in my back yard — during my trial/practice sessions and once on the lush green lawn of Pepperdine after I got done with my 3-hour jaunt and 4 bottles of liquid).

TOTAL SUCCESS!

Is “my” solution the “right” solution? Is it the one that R2R taught at the Women’s Initiative camp? I have NO idea. All I know is that it works. If the R2R solution is different, I will dutifully report back with details, but for now, here is the CZ Solution for How to Pee Like a Lady While Harnessed into Cycling Gear — Another Free Masters Level Seminar for JustAdventure Followers!

(WARNING to all male readers: Stop here, if you prefer to think that women are creatures without kidneys and only enter the toilet to freshen-up. The info in this blog is not at all interesting for you unless you feel like sharing it with the women around you, which would be great. Otherwise, you have been warned…)

Before I attempt to explain this Masters Level Technique of Hygienic Awesomeness, here is my crudely drawn visual representation. I apologize for the quivery lines, my hands are still not working properly after my most recent round of neuro insults. Still, I think you’ll get the gist:

IMG_0765

Or, in words:

1. Pull one of your trouser legs up as far as possible.

2. Hold it from the inside with two hands: one at the front and put your other hand behind your back and grab the bib shorts from that position.

3. Now pull the trouser leg as far as you can towards the opposite leg. The position of the hands is crucial in this respect. If you don’t follow the instructions correctly you’ll end up with wet hands. If you do it correctly, there’s an opening big enough to pee through. This will NOT work with knicker bibs (sorry ladies who live in cold climates … maybe ride with leg warmers instead of knickers?). It also doesn’t work all that well with your super-tight-fit racing kits and I’m pretty sure it would be damn near impossible to do this in a skin suit, but maybe with practice + intense forearm/grip strength it could be done.

4. Squat and pee. Do not squat as low as you would for a squatty potty. You need just a mid-range bend of the knee so that you can shimmy and angle your hips away from the stream as needed.

I am pretty sure that this only works in an open field environment. I can’t imagine trying to aim into a hole. But if you’ve got a pre-made hole, then you probably also have a roof over your head and walls surrounding you, so you might as well take the extra 90 seconds to disrobe.

This hoist-pull-squat methodology is both speedy and demure, as there is virtually no exposed skin. If there is a passer-by s/he won’t see any nude body parts, let alone intimate nude body parts.

Have fun! Let me know how it goes. Do NOT post pictures.

10 Responses to “How to pee like a pro (lady cyclist style)”

  1. Carissa Barker March 8, 2014 at 6:27 pm #

    Hmmm

  2. Amanda March 8, 2014 at 9:31 pm #

    I think the drawing may have been my favorite part – didn’t seem at all quivery. My question is what are the benefits of the bib? Seems this could still be helpful, but I’ve ways worn shorts.

    • justadventures March 8, 2014 at 10:20 pm #

      The bib benefits both function and fashion, in the following manner:

      (1) the shoulder braces eliminate a tight elastic waistband from synching your belly, which allows you to (a) breathe better, (b) reduce gut-ache, and (c) eliminate the much-dreaded “muffin top.”

      (2) when spending more than a couple hours in the saddle, I experience less chafing from a more-securely-fastened-to-my-body bib than I do with shorts, which can get a little shifty.

      (3) Speaking of shifty — some of my jerseys are more prone to ride-up on my back than others. A bib prevents me from earning a very unwelcome lower back sunburn (and prevents people who are drafting on me from getting an unintentional ass-crack show)

      (4) my winter bibs are fleece lined and have a fuller bodice … SO toasty warm!

      That’s a good starter list. Other folks may chime in with more examples of the beauty of bibs…

      • Amanda March 14, 2014 at 10:43 am #

        Thanks, that’s helpful. I’ll have to give the bib a try

  3. Joe March 8, 2014 at 10:19 pm #

    I should’ve heeded your warning. Can’t un-ring that bell.

    • justadventures March 8, 2014 at 10:27 pm #

      Ha! You know I put that warning in there there expressly for you. One of these days you will remember to listen to your “wife” the first time!

      • philliplorenz August 7, 2016 at 12:13 pm #

        I’m a male reader, and I think this is awesome! Girl Power! I’m going to show all of my female friends that picture you drew and encourage them to try this. As an added bonus, I’ll even offer to do their laundry for them if they don’t do it right at first.

        • justadventures August 7, 2016 at 12:20 pm #

          Awesome! Thanks for the support, Phillip! 🚲💪🏽💓

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Well, shit / #wecantwait | JustAdventures - November 19, 2014

    […] and justice. Yet somehow, instead, its #1 all-time runaway global sensation is a post about How to Pee (readers in 114 countries and counting; 18 more than my #2 post about […]

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