Soulless twat-waffle / I hope you get hit by a bus

10 Nov

So, as a follow-up to yesterday’s “Not Moving” blog post I offer a rather moving tale of TOTAL ASSHAT SELFISH STUPIDITY.

Yesterday, in passing, I mentioned that my Tetris skills apparently had been greatly diminished by my brain bashing, as evidenced by the fact I inadvertently wedged my desk into the doorway of my “office.” I solved that problem by (a) taking the door off of its hinges andย  (b) removing the lower cross-beam support. The desk did a great job of displaying many yard sale treasures that were successfully sold.

“Yay” for ingenuity and dedication!

At the end of my yard sale, however, the desk, itself, remained unclaimed. Shuck that fit, there was NO WAY I was going to try to reverse-Tetris that desk back into my house, or even into my mini-garage portal.

Hmmmmmm, what could I do?

My very tiny, very lethargic cranial hamsters began to slowly spin their wheels. Eventually they came up with this:

IMG_1176

Naturally, I posted this pic on FB with the following caption:

I refuse to reverse-Tetris this desk & I am Soooo over this sitting in the sun and not riding my bike thing. Here is my solution. Will it work?

Because my cranial hamsters were already 100% spent and I had no brain-power left, I decided that it would be a good idea to go out for a 2.5 hour mountain bike ride. The desk was still there when I got back.

And it was STILL still there when I got up from my nap — a nap that gave rise to the following picture+FB posting:

IMG_1182This is what it looks like to be really, really tired. We got up at 5am. Zolie barked non-stop at every yard sale customer until noon. I decided that it would be a great (read: idiotic) idea to follow coach’s instructions and go for a 2.5hr MTB ride after selling all my junk (I mean treasures) in the brain-baking sun. JC: I need a lot of beer….

And it was still, STILL, still there after I spent an hour walking around my neighborhood to remove all of the yard sale enticement/directional signs. The WORST part of the whole yard sale phenomenon has to be all the drudgery associated with attempting to promote it. Grumble…

When the damn desk was STILL on my yard when I woke up this morning, I decided that I should: (a) move it to a more easily accessible part of my parcel (i.e., move it ~5′ forward) and (b) augment the signage. When I left for work this morning, the desk was lined up along the curb and bore a new sale/enticement label:

IMG_1177

After work, I met G for dinner and drinks, so I didn’t get home until about 3o minutes ago.

I was SO FRIGGIN ELATED to discover that the desk was gone. I RAN to the mailbox, eager to find out how well my experiment worked.

I already had the Totally Amazing/Humans Are Awesome blog-post clearly outlined in my mind. I’d get to swoon about how I found a $1,000 check or at least a $100 bill in my mailbox, showing me that people really ARE good and everyone values our veterans.

YAY people! I love people!

I then gave myself a very strong reality check and resigned myself to rejoicing over the $20 or $10 that would more likely await me in the box.

That’s fine. That would be good, too. Every little bit helps, right?

I fumbled with the lock–I was a bit jittery (and maybe also a bit tipsy). On the third try, though, I got it open:

LADWP quarteIMG_1183rly bill, JD Power survey about Volkswagens, some nonsense from Time Warner Cable, a bank statement, a charity mailer, a Bed-Bath-and-Beyond coupon, a UCLA holiday gift catalog — where was the cash?ย  or check? or IOU?

Maybe it was stuck among the pages of the UCLA catalog?

I flipped and flapped it furiously.

Nothing.

Nada.

Zilch.

Zippo.

ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME?!

What kind of amoral asshat decides that “Yes, I totally should swipe this desk and not leave even 20 bones in the nice lady’s mailbox so that she can help some veterans“?

I hate the human race.

I hope that guy/gal gets hit by a bus and that s/he is not made out of the same Teflonยฎ-coated Titanium that I’m made out of.

Happy Freakin’ Veterans Day.

Is it too much to hope that a few of you might help recalibrate my moral compass and remind me that not everyone is a soulless twat-waffle?

http://www.one-justice.org/VeteransFund

 

5 Responses to “Soulless twat-waffle / I hope you get hit by a bus”

  1. Melissa November 10, 2014 at 10:10 pm #

    Maybe the “twat-waffle” was someone who cannot read English… A lot of people leave furniture on the curb for anyone to just take. Just sayin’. Hablar Espanol?

  2. Wende Nichols-Julien November 10, 2014 at 10:12 pm #

    I feel for you, but I also think “Free-ish” may have been confusing to the folks driving around looking for spare furniture. I mean to say, only, that maybe someone who is going to sell the desk in order to supplement a very meager income thought you meant it was free. And plus, you’re free of it now. Happiness, ensue. ๐Ÿ™‚

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